The First Rainbow

Once we heard the amazing news of having THREE “normal” embryos we were so excited to start our next cycle. Of course we were scared but we went in to the process with so much faith in this amazing science.

After having two miscarriages my brain was programed with so much doubt. I’m already  cursed with anxiety so adding these doubts on top of anxiety was a recipe for disaster. The only thing that kept my faith high was knowing we never did the PGS testing on the other embryos I had miscarried so this time was … DIFFERENT.

We started our frozen cycle and basically I was on a ton of medication to trick my body. Along with all the meds comes lots of symptoms: Hot flashes, mood swings, and depression. There were lots and lots of doctor appointments, ultrasounds, and blood work. This process is a huge numbers game. Levels have to be perfect for better success rates.

Transfer day came and I was pretty nervous to say the least. The plan was to thaw the best quality embryo and transfer. There is always a chance the embryo will not survive the thaw. It is a low percentage but obviously we don’t have the best of luck. During the transfer you are awake and have to have a full bladder so the nurse can perform an ultrasound as the doctor uses a catheter to insert the embryo into the uterus. This process is very nerve wracking on top of having to pee like you have never had to pee in your life. Its slightly uncomfortable. After the transfer the doctor has you lay there for 30 min. The LONGEST 30 min of your life with a full bladder. Then you are sent home and advised to do bedrest for the rest of the day and light activity for the next 2 days following.

During this time I tried to watch funny movies and look up Pinterest DIY projects. It was a very difficult time because it was just me and my thoughts most of the time. It sounds so crazy now to say out loud but I would hold my belly and wish her to life. I needed her to know how much I already loved her and needed her in my life.

On day Four after the transfer I had a gut feeling I was pregnant. I decided to take a test and as soon as I saw the two lines I didn’t get as excited as I had in the past. I had been down this road before and I wasn’t in the clear just yet. So as good as it felt I just couldn’t be happy. I had blood work every 3 days for two weeks. My levels continued to rise perfectly.

During this time were lots of emotionally bad days. Each time I felt at my worst something crazy would happen. I would come a crossed a ladybug . Once in my car, the house, and even at work. This doesn’t sound that crazy but it was currently December in New Jersey so not typical any bugs would be out. I took it as a sign of hope.

We were scheduled to have an ultrasound at 5 weeks. It was really hard because at that point it was too soon to see a heart beat but the doctor seemed happy with the progress and we scheduled our next ultrasound for the following week. It was the HEART BEAT ULTRASOUND.

This was a HUGE milestone for me. I saw our first baby’s heart beat and it was an appointment that had continued to haunted me. It was such an amazing sight with the worst news of my life attached. I wasn’t sure how I would handle this appointment. Of course my anxiety completely took over. I couldn’t sleep the night before. We went into the office and I told myself I wasn’t going to look just incase it was bad news. I didn’t want to see another heart beat if it was only going to end. I kept my eyes closed the entire process as the doctor inspected my uterus and the embryo’s progress.

After a few minutes of inspecting the doctor flipped a switch which turned on the sound and my ears heard the most magical sound of my life. My baby’s heart was beating and it was strong and PERFECT. In that special moment my heart began to feel hope again. A feeling I wasn’t sure I could ever let myself experience again.

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My body did not enjoy pregnancy in the beginning. I experienced Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Sever Nausea and Vomiting. Like head in toilet ALL DAY sick. Every time I even tried to sip water or eat ice I had constant dry heaving. I went to the hospital due to dehydration and was prescribed medication to help. Finally around week 15 it went away. The only thing that kept me going through this was the comment most people would say, “the sicker you are the healthier the baby.” Not sure if its true or just something people say to make you feel better. Either way it worked.

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Week 27 I was rushed to hospital with sever back pain and nausea. Doctor thought it was my appendix and had the surgeon waiting. Luckily they realized before operating that it was a sever kidney infection along with a few kidney stones. I spent the night in the hospital but was released the following day. This had to of been the worst pain I had felt in my entire life.

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July 11, 2013 I was 35 weeks pregnant and went to 7-Eleven for their free Slurpee Day. It was a scorcher of a day. All day I felt lots of front pressure and slight cramping but just thought I had over did it and the heat wasn’t helping. Several coworkers asked “Do you think your in labor?” . It was too early. I’ve heard usually your first comes late. I hadn’t even thought about labor at this point. When I got home that night I realized I was contracting. I called the doctor and they said to call back when the contractions were 5 min apart. They then had me come to hospital to be checked.

Once we arrived at the hospital we were the only ones in the waiting area at 10pm. My husband was freaking out because it was nothing like in the movies where everyone is rushing around and helping you. We were finally taken back after about 35 minutes of waiting (pacing in the waiting room contracting). Once in the back I was checked and was 5 cm dilated. My husband asked ” what does that mean?” and the doctor said ” It means you will be leaving with a baby!”

I couldn’t believe the day was here. Earlier than expected but that was ok because I didn’t have time to panic or obsess over the different out comes. She was about to create her own birth story!

Going into this process I was very nervous because she was a little early so I had to meet with a NICU doctor to go over the possible issues that she may have coming this early but was advised it shouldn’t be anything too serious.I was told she probably weighs 5 lbs and that didn’t seem too bad considering I’m pretty petite myself. I didn’t expect to have a big baby. I was determined to have a vaginal delivery.

July 12, 2013 I was given pitocin when I was not making much progress around 8AM. I did ask for an epidural because pitocin is no joke! Once I was able to push, I pushed for 2 1/2 hours. I finally said to the doctor ,”If you think I need a c-section I’m ok with it because I physically can no longer push.”. She asked how I felt about forceps and I said, ” If your ok with it, Im ok with it.”. So with Forceps and one big push Brynn was welcomed into the world. She weighed 7 lbs 1 oz and was 19.5 in long!

The moment I heard her cry was the moment I sobbed uncontrollably. A HUGE ugly cry type of sob. I waited so long for this moment! She was brought over to be cleaned up and checked out to make sure she could breath on her own and her vitals were fine. At that point I went white as a ghost and was given oxygen. I had lost so much blood my hemoglobin dropped to a 4. I was advised to get a blood transfusion but for some reason did not feel comfortable with the idea and asked if I could just be monitored and if it was life threatening I would go through with it but if there was improvement Id like to avoid it.

Finally I was able to hold Brynn and just stare at the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. After such a horrible storm we had endured ….Finally a Rainbow!

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