The Light

After a couple years we decided to try again for our next daughter. After having so much success with the first PGS tested embryo I kind of just envisioned my life with 3 daughters. That was how I saw our future. 

We went in for the transfer and it was a little different this time having a two year old. Not as much time to think and prepare yourself. A few days after transfer I knew I was pregnant and I kind of just felt so confident planing the months ahead. Little did I know my world would be rocked once again … after six weeks I miscarried. It seems like every miscarriage was so different. This time I knew it was a “girl” and she was supposed to be one of my 3 Daughters. This was a really hard loss that is talked about the least because I honestly didn’t let myself grieve properly and jumped into the next round of IVF. I knew the last embryo was the lowest quality out of the three. In my mind I thought if I couldn’t carry the second embryo then their was no hope for the third and I wanted to finalize this chapter in my life. I wanted to enjoy life as a mom of one if that was my fate. 

I wanted Brynn to have a sibling and I wanted another daughter so bad and I hoped for this to work but in my mind it was already over. I never let myself get excited. At 8 weeks I started bleeding bad and I said to myself …I knew it! I drove myself to the hospital expecting to hear bad news but was told baby was fine and I had a hematoma on my uterus. In that moment of fear I fell so in love with her and from that moment wanted to fully love her the way she deserved. 

One day when I was at work I felt a ton of pressure. It just didn’t seem normal. I was only 33 weeks along but the doctor advised me to go to the hospital to be on the safe side. I drove myself to the hospital and once admitted found out I was in active labor. I was given a shot for the baby’s lungs and was extremely scared. Over the next few hours I spoke to many doctors advising me of all the risks and complications that were ahead. They informed me they were unable to stop my labor and she once she was born she would be rushed to the NICU.

She came very quickly and I told my husband to stay with her. It was the weirdest feeling having a baby and not being able to hold her or know anything about her or her condition. Once I was able to leave Labor and Delivery I was wheeled to the NICU. Nothing can quite prepare you for the sight of your child covered in tubes and needles. I immediately cried for her because I felt so bad but then cried more because she was here and fighting for her life. I was unable to hold her for 3 days while they tried to stabilize her. Three days may not seem like a long time but it was a very hard time. I spent most of the time by her isolette just staring and crying. Listening to her oxygen and heart monitor beep watching her vitals improve and decline and improve again.

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IVF was a huge roller coaster for me but the NICU was a whole new meaning of roller coaster. She spent a month in the NICU. She may have been the lowest quality embryo but she was the strongest! We named her Nora meaning “light” she was the light after a very dark road. 

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